Benny Hill

My tale, loosely, relates to the concept of National Service and the idea of being “forced” to learn discipline or COMPLY with a regime. A very violent regime in this instant.

So … The worst, most dangerous screw in Haslar Detention Centre was an officer nicknamed Benny Hill, by the way he kept his hat pulled fiercely down over his eyes … and Benny Hill was an officer you NEVER, EVER wanted to fall out with. (I mean he was violent … really violent).

Anyway … as YARD AND GYM ORDERLY, (the most coveted job in the whole establishment – as an inmate), it had been my job, (amongst other jobs), to make the bed of the officer on duty that night … which I duly did.

With 24 hours before I was due for release, I made Benny Hill’s bed as an “apple turnover”, meaning … I folded the sheets in such a way as to make it impossible to get into! (The bed looked normal but it would have been impossible to slip in between the covers).

It was my way of telling the most dangerous, psychotic screw, (prior to me leaving), that I had one up on him … and I felt quite good about that … though it was a crazy thing to have done because I knew he would have gone ballistic.

But why would I care? I was leaving tomorrow 🙂

(Pause)

On the day of my release, early that next morning, a shift of 80 or 90 of us shuffled into the communal dining hall to be met by an insane, incandescent, raging Benny Hill. 🙁

And my heart sank … and I felt a chill feeling of terror envelope me.

“F+ck. Jeez. Oh my God. WHY did I do the apple turnover thing”, I found myself thinking.

Benny Hill had, obviously, not appreciated my apple turnover bed joke 🙁

And then we heard him.

We all heard him scream, “YARD ORDERLY. YARD ORDERLY. GET HERE. I mean NOW!”

The blood drained from my body … and I started to rise out of my seat.

But it was too late.

The NEW Yard Orderly, a keen, bright young chap, had already stood up and had walked to the front of the hall and, by doing so, all of us witnessed him being beaten black and blue … by a VERY, VERY upset Officer Benny Hill.

I attempted to raise my hand, tried to rise … but fellow inmates pulled me back down … and within the hour, I was a free man, stepping out into my life.