“REFERENCE; Babylon’s account re Dementia”
20 June 2019, 22:11 BST | Beach Thorncombe beachthorncombe@gmail.com
REFERENCE; Babylon’s account re Dementia
Babylon and I have never got on well because he was always a Weymouth skinhead at heart … and I was always a Yeovil skin … from the days when Yeovil and Weymouth were arch football rivals. But, these days, jointly, we share the Hope and Anchor as a watering hole.
Like the Harringtons’ Babylon has been dealing with dementia of a family member and over the last few years, all of us in the pub have been witnessing both the Harrington’s AND Babylon’s, (real name Mark), struggle with dealing with parents with dementia.
This Evening
This evening, we forgot our differences when I humbly asked Babylon to spare me a few minutes …
I, briefly, outlined our own current circumstances regarding our parents and, having established he was OK discussing the subject, asked Babylon for his thoughts, experience and wisdom regarding how he coped with dealing with a mother with dementia.
His response … his reply … was telling, to say the least.
Mapping the Battlefield
In describing his own personal experiences, Babylon kicked straight into the things he wished he could have changed or reacted differently to … after the event.
Babylon focussed on issues he wished he had understood better … prior … beforehand.
He said lots of profound, useful stuff that helped me map the battlefield so let me attempt to relate that.
Inevitability
What Babylon was stating was the fact that family members, (like you and I, H), are not remotely equipped to deal with the INCOMING TIDE OF INEVITABILITY associated with the illness of dementia that our own parents are facing. 🙁
Babylon’s words
“Concepts of Barbara and Alan continuing to live in their bungalow at home, being supported by occasional, hourly, daily or even 24 hr care, (whether being paid for care or care by other family members), is a kind of Red Herring …”
The Red Herring being the simplistic belief that somehow, you and I, (or other family members), will be, somehow, able to pause, put off or halt a situation that will escalate and slide down towards our parents requiring 24 hour, round the clock, care … of the sort you and I would renege and fight against … but, ultimately need to sanction.
The Meaning of Babylon’s Words
Babylon acknowledges that the concept of our parents continuing to live at Filcombe in a comforting, familiar environment is a worthwhile endeavour to pursue and, sure, with the support of some kind of home orientated initiative, he agrees that such an ideal is something we should strive to enact BUT he followed up that statement by adding that, in hindsight, he wished, (in his case), that he had not embarked upon that, seemingly, idyllic, perfect solution.
WHY?
Explain, in context, the meaning of that “WHY?” comment at the bottom.
The “WHY?” is not a separate question from Babylon. It is Beach’s dramatic pivot into the explanation of why Babylon, with hindsight, regretted pursuing the apparently ideal solution of keeping his mother at home.
In the immediately preceding passage, Beach says Babylon regarded home-based care as an attractive objective, but had subsequently wished he “had not embarked upon that, seemingly, idyllic, perfect solution.” The “WHY?” therefore introduces the next part of Beach’s account, where he is about to explain the practical consequences that made the apparently humane solution progressively untenable.
In other words, the structure is:
Home at Filcombe + increasing care → apparently ideal solution → Babylon had done this himself → Babylon regretted it → “WHY?”
It is Beach asking rhetorically: why did Babylon come to regret keeping his mother at home?
But you din’t provide that additional material for me to read in context.
You’re right. I stopped at the “WHY?” when you specifically wanted the surrounding material. Here is the continuation, verbatim, from that point:
WHY?
Babylon stated that the ENORMITY of ignoring the INEVITABLE actually muddied the waters, caused new layers of anxiety and complications … and left Babylon feeling as if he had made things worse, not better for his mother.
Example; Here is West Dorset, there is a company called Agincare. (My best female friend Ali Digby has worked for them).
Babylon cites them as a problem.
As I already know, (and as I had already hinted to you in a previous conversation), any concept of “finding a lovely carer” that Alan and Barbara might get used to or even appreciate or like is not, always, how the system works. Meaning; “You get what you are given”. Meaning; Just because you got lovely Jane today doesn’t mean you get lovely Jane the following day.
It doesn’t work that way.
Ali Digby was on a hamster wheel … with a visit schedule that didn’t even allow her ample time for driving between clients.
Sure. Things might be slightly different with some Somerset based company doing a similar job though I doubt it because disappointing quality of care services offered by such care companies has even been brought up in parliament, such is the concern regarding such companies.
Babylon REGRETS employing such services.
Our lesson to learn seems to be a simple one.
Unless we were to employ somebody independent … someone Alan and Barbara actually like … we impose chaos rather than routine.
Babylon suggests … Head hunting / finding some independent, recommended, caring individual rather than employing a company that just sends whoever might be on their books that day … though I’m not saying we need heed Babylon’s advice … but I, kind of, see what he is saying.
And Babylon highlights ROUTINE as being one of the most useful tools to deploy in the whole dementia thing!
D & B developing routine makes life predictable – manageble.
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