You know I usually, (characteristically), respond to each of you
individually but, delightful as it would be to turn this thread into
something else, let me just offer one great big, heartfelt thank you and
simply add … I’ve missed you. xxx
I titled this thread ‘Confessions’ so will end it with a few more. Get
your tissues handy, Badman. 🙂 xx
I refer to ‘Beach’ throughout because, back in September 1999, the real
world Chris was dysfunctional, lost, broken … dead … and the only
part of the real life me was battling with panic anxiety, reactive
depression, incubus, night terror, disassociation, the break up of a 20
year love story of a marriage and a £1m business put into stasis by its
charismatic internationally acclaimed inventor experiencing complete
mental breakdown. 🙁
What forces caused such a catastrophic collapse? Well, we know it was
brought about by a ferocious desire to bring my internationally patented
technology to market but, in pursuing that goal, I lost sight of all the
things that really matter. (Partner, family, friends, etc).
I lost everything I ever cared about.
Timewise, it wasn’t strictly as the following three sentences suggest
but, to explain the excessive de-acccelleration of the perception of my
world, it felt like the following;
Thursday … Think; Chairman of GGSL. Man of the hour. Innovation
celebrity doing TV, radio, media, public speaking stuff … having just
witnessed my 1994 wisp of an idea turn into a 1998 fully tooled up
plastic and marine grade stainless steel range of manufactured products.
Friday. Think; Man … alone … with head buried in hands in rented
flat … unable to even bear the weight of his own thoughts.
Psychologically, think speeding train … slamming into 100 ton concrete
silo.
Apologies to those who already know this story but, as a kind of
swansong, (and a chance to dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s), I’ve
told the story again because now,15 years later, there is a middle and
an end to add.
Beginning
Although On The Beach was born here at Midsummer in September 1999, the
site only had basic, rudimentary features amounting to profile photo,
space to write a self sumarry, a geographical search and a means to send
and receive mail from fellow Midsummer users. There was no public area
to upload, post or read contributions from other members.
The first girl I ever entered email based correspondence was a girl
called Rose who was training to become an aromatherapist. She was
extremely beautiful with a fresh faced classic English rose look and a
radiant smile.
Juxtaposed with being at the wrong end of the breakup outlined above,
connecting to Midsummer, (on dial up), with the anticipation of
receiving, (or sending), Midsummer based mail … well, it was exciting
… and so, so theraputically welcoming.
With Madonna’s upbeat Ray of Light album playing in the background, a
glass of something close to hand and the prospect of being able to lose
oneself in the exploration of a brand new female mind, that’s how I
chose to spend my Friday and Saturday nights and did so until, one
particular evening, I noticed that Rose’s communication was losing its
lustre.
I found myself replaying track 10, “The Power of Goodbye” before sending
her the lyrics in a mail, switching her off and moving on. That track
would be sent out many times over subsequent years … and end up being
sent just one time too many.
Middle
I left Midsummer shortly after the Bronze, Silver, Gold deployment and
found m-kefriends-online, an international friendship site with a global
forum audience and, within days, was uploading my own original posts.
MFO had many areas but didn’t have a specific ‘deep and meaningful’ area
for esoteric or similar contributions so I lobbied for one and,
eventually MFO got a ‘Serious Stuff’ forum which I utterly owned for two
or three years! 🙂
Although I, obviously, engaged with hundreds, thousands, and later, tens
of thousands on OKC-pids secret, underground forums where I, again,
found immediate traction, I always had this underlying remit of seeking
out just one unique individual.
She was, (then), just a mental figment of who I thought I might be
seeking though, in becoming a seasoned poster and forum contributor, I
reasoned; “Why, with a whole spinning planet of online single girls /
women available, would we / should we settle for anything less than near
perfection?”
My idea of perfection? A bright, quizzical or intellectual mind (to
match, exceed or at least tolerate my own mind) … along with specific
natural curves. 🙂
Any ‘deep and meaningful’ or ‘thought provoking’ Beach thread was always
designed or crafted to attract such an individual and, statistically, I
can reveal that, (after 15 years online), such a match used to manifest
about once every 3 years, although, in my case, only two transformed
into actual relationships.
End
When I moved to Beach cottage and began to truly appreciate having a
150ft walled paradise of a garden (and little business), just paces from
my market town high street, I found myself sitting in the sun
contemplating the wisdom of my ‘seeking perfection’ philosophy and
conceded that I had probably made the wrong move and possibly wasted the
last 15 years by restricting my search to seeking “a brainy girl with
big t*ts”.
I subsequently parked Beach and had no plans to ever reserrect him as
far as dating was concerned though still used the name on news, hobby
and, obviously, my personal website sharing the name.
For example, if you wished to see photos of Thorncombe Beacon or read
about my new passion for ebiking, read the first ever post I uploaded to
Pedelecs, on that ebiking forum.
Google “Brand New Sky” and add the word “pedelec” and press enter. 🙂
Enjoy the read.
Anyway … last bit.
Only about 5 years ago, having had a couple of years off from any major
online communication, I joined a national newspaper dating site. (Paid
an arm and a leg for the privilidge). However, the experience was uttery
breathtaking because, turns out, there are zillions of intelligent,
intellectual, curvy singles out there in the world! 🙂
And I immediately found the girl I had been seeking these last 15 years.
A person who matched exactly the mental and physical image I had
originally pieced together inside my own mind.
We mailed – then we telephoned for several weeks, (I never normally
engage in phone conversdations), talking for hour blocks at a time and,
in the silly, romantic way two giddy people feel in the first throws of
infatuation, (or more), we joked about how our minds were throwing
sticks for each other … with each of us returning comments in the same
way a puppy dog might proudly return an object thrown by its owner.
FL was younger than me. 41 years against my, (then) 56 but that was not
remotely of importance … and the match, the chemistry, the whole thing
was, (and possibly still is), as close a match as anyone might ever wish
or hope for.
But …
I’m smiling but there is always a “but”, isn’t there? In the following
text, I’m being vague for obvious reasons. Those reasons will become
self evident as you read on.
FL is / was a professional person. Was a married person … with young
children.
She is now … a widow. A widow in her early forties … with her young
family to bring up … without their daddy.
Due to the nature of the illness, their daddy, (and the family),
experienced a particularly difficult, almost un-expressible experience
that I have no right or permission to put words to here.
I was going to add a further, related, sentence where this sentence now
sits but it just seems innappropriate to even attempt to put words to a
suffering that I don’t think can or should be described.
Note; Please don’t question why a recently widowed person might place
themselves on a dating site. There may be a simple, human answer. An
answer to do with, perhaps, finding some distraction or some means of
filling a huge hole that can never truly be filled.
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