29 October 2013 16:07
Mmhh. Just saw daughter Sophie. She was off to the doctors.
The following is an observation of my thoughts. I probably won’t expand on them much after writing this.
It hurts when I sometimes see Sophie … BUT … she was OK, perhaps a tiny bit wired … (or was she just tired?)
This is what H does to a family – to those around the user. You are suspicious but at the same time, you want to kid yourself.
The horror of witnessing or being ensnared within past ‘incidents’ is so nasty, so violating that it makes the brain wince and peek out from behind shielded, filtered fingers … because, as a parent, you don’t want to see what you may have seen and witnessed before.
I look at Sophie and rate the potential horror from 1 – 10.
Today was a 5, better than a 10 but not as relaxing as a 1 … and, as I said, she may have been fine and not been near anything for months … but you just can’t be sure … and, as an adult, ultimately she has control over her own life or death.
I’m her dad. i love her but … she only drifts into my orbit when she wants to. I have to respect that … or accept that.
I’m not meaning to sound passive and helpless.
The situation is currently non negotiable and I, 9and Jackie), just take any scraps of Sophie she chooses to share with us.
(There are big chunks of time and months and months when she is absolutely fine … or it is easier to see that potential … but today was not one of those times).
She might have deserved more trust from me … but trust, something I grant folk so easily, has all but been drained from me as far as Sophie is concerned.
Not that she has ever been anything other than a loving daughter … but it is folly to trust someone on H or its government sponsored alternative, methenol / methodin … or whatever it is called.(sp)
Perhaps she was just tired.
I’ll take you best wishes in advance, knowing you will be sending them but I can’t engage in actual dialogue. I just have to … I just have to … be content she said hello, chatted and promised to text.
Sophie is tall. Jerry Hall supermodel style tall and beautiful. She was wearing a long, Parka style coat … hood up and with a scarf draped across her face.
She looked painfully – seriously thin and after we both echoed, “I love you”, to each other, I glanced back over my shoulder and noticed, again, how narrow and thin her shoulders now were.
She was going to the doctors. That means she is probably on a program. That means she probably has social worker support …
I’m painting such a picture in my mind … because I need to believe she is OK.
She probably is … but I’m not always privy to stuff.
We saw each other and chatted though. 🙂
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