Hiya, and thank you for finding this page.
I won’t keep you long. I just want to be straight to the point so you can get back to browsing tidesofentropy.co.uk.
My Funeral Arrangements?
Err. I’m doing the David Bowie thing.
Eg. A Direct Cremation.
That means I hold little interest in being a host (or a ghost) of a regular traditional funeral. And even if I had done, my Bridport family, that’s Jackie, Oliver, and Sophie, have made such an option an utter impossibility by shutting off that option several years ago though, by now, I’ve made my peace with that fact.
But Why? I mean, why would this situation or issue have even arisen?
Well … the answer is puzzling … disconcerting … troubling … alarming even … But it is also simple.
Cancer.
The moment I was diagnosed with inoperable prostate cancer, everything changed and my amicable relationship with my ex-wife and grown-up children disintegrated overnight.
Jackie, Oliver, and Sophie just abandoned me. (Pause). Completely.
The reason why? I just don’t know. I mean, maybe they didn’t wish to be involved in nursing a, potentially, very sick me … (Not that I would have ever expected them to) OR maybe, certainly like Oliver, they just didn’t have the intellectual capacity to even deal with such a situation.
To clarify; Oliver was particularly obtuse when I attempted to reach out to him by email to discuss an entirely routine family related “Next of Kin” question back in 2021, with him calling me “An emotional vampire” as a reply as he recoiled from even wishing to discuss plans I was attempting to put into place just prior to having an extremely dangerous and invasive medical cancer biopsy.
His actual words were, “I’m not going to be able to carry on this correspondence for the sake of my own mental health, good luck with the op.” and he included this link. https://markmanson.net/are-you-an-emotional-vampire
Thus, at perhaps the only time in my life when I’ve actually had to field the prospect of facing my own mortality, Oliver, (as on numerous previous occasions), capitulated and surrendered to his own self centred apathy.
That mail was sent to me at 13.55 on Tuesday 10th October 2021.
And Jackie herself?
Less than 30 minutes later, I emailed Jackie to share my son’s callous missive. (Below)
That was sent on Tues 12th 2021 at 17:18 and was the last (ignored) communication I’ve ever had with her.
And what about Sophie?
Well. She represents, possibly, the cruellest aspect of all this because, as with Jackie, Sophie has not had good reason to ignore or abandon me and yet she does also … as if she has been summoned or instructed to.
Anyway … I am just left with the realization that those I loved most have become strangers; unrecognizable in their apathy. My very own family has offered zero advice, support or consolation. Not practical. Not moral. Not even a kind word.
And it’s unforgivable.
So I’ve promised myself, “when my time comes”, I no longer want Jackie, Oliver, or Sophie anywhere near me in life or in death and, IMPORTANTLY, If I were / am / was dying in hospital, the last thing I would wish to see or experience is the heartbreak of any of them standing at the end of my bed.
I say heartbreak because it would be beyond cruel, indeed, to be delivered such a horrendous vision; that vision being the sight of a family who didn’t wish to see me in life yet would, (possibly), turn up at my death, not to wish me farewell but, rather, just present themselves to address and placate their own haunted conscience.
So, no traditional send-off for me, thanks.
Raise a glass if you like though. Celebrate my life however you see fit and just know that with all of the above explained, this was always going to be my way and I’m okay with that.
Although … I’m sorry and apologise for having to write the above words but … well … perhaps it serves me right for diluting and wasting my Somerset Goodland DNA so carelessly on a woman (and family) so undeserving!
Cheers!
Chris
P.S If you want to know where I’ve gone or what I’m doing now, you might enjoy one of the following links.
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